Dawn Rising

I have been awake since 4am. When the birds began to sing, I decided that as I was awake, I should go out and greet the dawn with them.

I took my medium format 6x6 cameras with me and hoped to shoot some early morning light. The venture was not as I'd hoped. As soon as I got outside it began to rain, and then I accidentally exposed one of my films, sheer stupidity on my part, but I still have one film to develop.

The colours were sublime and ethereal, but whether I have captured that light I will have to wait and see.

I am still unsure of my project, I keep changing my mind and cant seem to settle on a theme or a concept. One minute I'm thinking seascape and its meaning to me, then I think of memory and how the land and I are connected by memory, then I think that it is the light and the colours that inspire me to photograph the land and sea, so maybe I should stick with that. But the images I have shot so far have not really been what I'm looking for. But saying this, I dont know exactly what it is I'm searching to convey in my images.

This is not like me. I am usually more definite about my idea. Yes, its true that at the beginning of every project I do go through a time of uncertainty, but we are now in November and I'm not enjoying the process as much as I have in the past. I love making pictures and I could do this all day, but usually I also enjoy the theory, the history and the ideas. But I seem to be stuck in some no mans land. I feel as though I have no idea what I'm doing in any of the projects.

The External Project is now looming up on me. I had intended to exhibit my work next year and make that my submission for assessment. But now I'm not sure about that either. Do I want to go through all that again? Wouldn't it be more useful to work for a client in some other capacity? I am new here and know very few people, so that's also a problem. I'm not very good at going "out there" and promoting myself. I think at the moment with all the stress and upheaval of the past few months, that I am not in the right place mentally to be able to cope with everything I need to do. I am lacking inspiration. I have no money to travel to see exhibitions of the Great Painters and Photographers and this is also hindering my study. At least it feels like it to me. I would like to visit Galleries in London but it just is not possible at this time. Even Cardiff is out of reach at the moment.

I feel like giving up.  I know I wont and I know I cant because this is important to me. Learning is important to me. I just have to find a way to overcome all these obstacles. I have to try and clear my head of all these negatives and turn them into positives.

Another worry is the Dissertation. We have a3,000 word deadline on Nov 16th. So far I have written zilch. I keep changing my mind about that too. I researched women in landscape photography for a couple of weeks but in all honesty it bored me. The work I found was fantastic, but reading theory on feminism which is, I found inevitable if looking at women in art or in society, is not one that appeals to me. I believe in equality etc but I am not a staunch feminist; I felt that I had read it all before and that my interest just wasn't sufficient to write an 8,000 Dissertation. I couldn't fathom how I would condense the idea either which was another stumbling block.

I feel as though I'm chasing my tail now. What am I going to write about? What interests me? What do I want to find out or discover? Stumped.